A sexless marriage is not something that any marrying couple one day aspires to be, yet sometimes, that’s the pattern a marriage falls into. Ruts happen. It’s natural for sex drives to ebb and flow, but when a couple stops having sex altogether, that could be a sign some change is needed. Don’t stress.
If your partner feels like you and you want something better for the sake of your relationship, it’s achievable. Here is a guide to how to fix a sexless marriage.
1. Don’t assume anything, talk to your partner first.
If you haven’t already, ask your partner if they feel the same. If their sex drive is low, they may not necessarily feel a lack of sex in your marriage.
The key is not to assume someone is disinterested in sex or that they feel the same way as you. Have a discussion.
2. Share your secret fantasies and fetishes.
Many people bottle up their sexual fantasies, fetishes, and interests. They keep it to themselves. Don’t. Share it with your spouse! You or they may want to be dominated or prefer to be submissive.
You may want to explore with adult sex toys, or they may. Be open. This way, you build connection and foster a deeper intimacy, assuming you and your partner share fantasies and fetishes and that it’s not a one-way discussion.
3. Ensure sex feels safe for both partners.
You or your spouse may be avoiding sex because they’re nervous about how their bodies look, or sex doesn’t feel safe in some way for them. As you begin re-engaging sexually, ensure that you and they both feel supported, safe and that you’re easing your way in.
4. Address any and all sexual dysfunctions.
A reason why you or your partner may be hesitating to have sex can be tied to sexual dysfunction. Erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation are common among men, and a lack of vaginal lubrication is common in women. Address these issues head-on.
Support each other. Talk openly about these fears. It is okay if/when the body doesn’t always perform as the mind wants. Find workarounds.
5. Define what your and theirs sexual needs are.
Talk openly about what you expect to receive from sex and ask your spouse to do the same. Talk about your needs. Define what good sex is to you. If there is experimentation, you want to do it. If there are things, you want to try. Explore in conversation before taking it into the bedroom, and always proceed with both parties’ consent.
6. Plan for intimacy and reserve time for it.
Plan for sex. It’s not uncommon for a couple’s sexual honeymoon phase to last the first two years, and afterward, most have to work at having an active sex life to keep it going.
Take that into account. Even if sex doesn’t happen every time, it’s important to create the conditions where it can happen.
7. Take the time to cue you into your body.
All of us have stresses on our minds. Work. Kids. Responsibilities. It can be hard to focus on ourselves and sex when we’ve got a dozen thoughts zooming by.
Take the time to slow down and cue your mind into thinking about sex with your spouse. Do this with candles, romantic music, essential oils, and practising a routine to get yourself into the mood.
8. Work at it to turn each other on.
Talk to your spouse about what turns them on. Invest the time in foreplay to turn on your partner and get them wanting, craving, and anticipating sex. This is key.
It could be sexts, sexy photos and videos, a kiss in the morning, or something as simple as an act of service for them, such as making them dinner. Turning each other on and prioritizing that will make sex all the more enjoyable when you reach that time.
9. Discuss what sex acts you enjoy.
With your spouse, talk about what sex acts you like and how you like to have sex. Try not to mention or focus on what you don’t like. Some are sensitive to hearing a critique of their technique.
To preemptively avoid conflict, focus on the positives and prioritize pursuing what works for you and your partner. Be gentle discussing anything new or experimental that your partner may not be keen on.
10. Take turns initiating sex.
Sex can still occur spontaneously and without prior planning. If one partner is always initiating and the other is always denying, this is a recipe for resentment and shame about one’s desires to manifest.
The answer is to practice taking turns initiating sex. This creates a pattern that will take pressure off the person typically doing the asking.
11. When you have sex, it’s not about the orgasm
Lastly, when it’s time to get it on, having an orgasm is not the goal. Don’t stress about it. Sex is about sharing each other’s company and intimacy. Kiss and make out. Touch each other.
Be intimate. Have all the sex you want to have the way you want it for you and your partner and focus on pleasure – yours and theirs – without the pressure of orgasm.